the Lottery

When I was little I can remember eating a lot of frozen peas.  Why don't I do that anymore, eat frozen peas?  That would be better than a lot of the things I choose to eat now.  I think on the way home I'm going to buy some frozen peas and eat them.  What a barrel of laughs.

For the last few nights I've been having dreams about birds landing on my right hand, then they fly off into a cloudburst...then the sky explodes (in a good way.  Really good.  It's beautiful).  Usually at least two land at once, sometimes four.  Last night they were hummingbirds.  Different sizes--some probably too fat to be hummingbirds but they were hummingbirds anyway.  If I'm having recurring dreams about animals it's usually fish.  I am always dreaming of fish.  I don't know what that means either, but at least it's familiar to me...

Perhaps I'm feeling foolish because I have seen no other change around my house or at work.  I still smile at everyone, but something about it makes me feel like I'm trying too hard.  I don't think my secret follower is following me anymore.  Maybe there never was one.  That's okay, but I think that is what made me think of the peas.  I used to eat them all by myself and I was very happy when I did that.

I miss Paris today and it hurts a little.  I'm not sure how to feel about it.  Surely I can smile at people just the same there?  Hm...

After I buy the peas I will stop at the bodega and purchase a lottery ticket as well.  If I win, I will go to Paris.  If I lose, I will try again tomorrow.

~ B